The Dilemma is:
We unintentially take decisions for people we love, by seemingly telling them what we think they want to hear. We dont tell them what we feel[which is why they ask us] and that may lead to confused[and possibly incorrect] decision in their moment of emotional weakness. Let me try and explain this.
A child suffering from flu asks Mom, "can I have ice cream" ? First case, Mom sees his desire and overwhelmed by it she says "Yes", even though she doesnot want to. Impact: Child has only one option left. No choice as desire and reply match. Second case, Mom replies "No". Child may not like it, but now child has a choice between his desire and Mom's "No". This may help him overcome the moment of weakness. A crude and distant analogy but this is the point. We are not supposed to steal options fom the decision-maker.
Assume Mr X has married Lady Y. Mr X has a Premium job offer at a MNC but has to relocate without his family. He asks his wife for her opinion. Wife does not want him to go. She is happy with a little less and does not want separation. But she thinks he wants this job and she should not come in between his career. So, she tells her husband that she wants him to join at the MNC.
Assume Mr X's mindset is: He is not too career oriented but believes that his wife needs better amenities in life viz money, status glory. So he looks for a Premium job but he does not want it at expense of leaving his family. He loves his wife too much to deny this lucrative oportunity for the family but does not want to go and is content with a little less. His relationship means more to him than anything else but somehow hypothetically spouse is not aware of it.
Now, Lady Y tells her husband that she wants him to join the MNC. He assumes that she wants him to work away and go for glory, money etc. which is not true. In a way, both are sacrificing for love, but resultant is exactly opposite to what they want. Telling each other what they feel may be a better way. Its then a matter of choice and one must believe in other partner who has to make that choice.
Thinking more on this, the Assumption here is two fold. First, we can correctly predict what goes in other person's mind and Secondly we can premept what other person actually wants. Irony is, human mind is too fast, fragile and flickering. We dont know what we want at times and we may not even know how[correctly] we are perceived either. So, we may be thinking "going right" and be perceived as "going left". [Happens often with me :)]. I am not saying that we dont understand our loved ones, but we may not always be able to correctly preempt their thoughts and emotions. There may be many Mind Readers but i assume most commoners aren't that good.
Knowing ur loved ones' dilemma is the trick. You need to decide, whether you need to give him an option or decide it for him. Its always a dynamic thing and especially important if the relationship hinges on it.
In the novels especially, the lead characters preempt what their loved ones want. They leave their loved ones with no choice.[Esp. in some books/Movies Male leads decide course of relationships without ever considering girl's opinion] And choose a life of pain for themselves sacrificing in love. But nobody knows for sure, whether the other side is happy doing what they have been inadvertently asked to. Is the entire sacrifice at the end all in vain?
P.S. Saying exactly how you feel can have disastrous implications too. Saying exlicitely what you want or what you dont want can kill a relationship. This much heart-to-heart stuff can be shared when there is utmost trust and compassion. Personally, I may also be diplomatic at times. I feel, here is a moral high ground [sacrificing for the ones you love] which come naturally to us. Everybody would do it, but that doesnt make it right. Its ultimately our selfishness if we understand the thought carefully. Why cant we admit that X loves Y and does not want to live away. Whats wrong in admitting this ?
P.S. It all started from a discussion based on "Paths of Glory". If Ruth not agreed with George to go on the second attempt, would they have led a happier life ? What if, while catching his last breath George would have wanted, if he could reverse the time and not come on this expedition at all. What if, he would be repenting his choice? What if, he wished that Ruth should have not allowed to him? What if....
P.S No substantial experience, a weird range of thought, limited observing skills and a wandering mind may have lead to this stupid Theory. I tried to base it on rational reasons. But, reasons are based on data and I can easily be missing something obvious here. I say this, as my close friends have a very different view. But, somehow the reason I am wrong has not struck me yet.
P.S. Thanks if you have managed to read through all of the above. :) :D
We unintentially take decisions for people we love, by seemingly telling them what we think they want to hear. We dont tell them what we feel[which is why they ask us] and that may lead to confused[and possibly incorrect] decision in their moment of emotional weakness. Let me try and explain this.
A child suffering from flu asks Mom, "can I have ice cream" ? First case, Mom sees his desire and overwhelmed by it she says "Yes", even though she doesnot want to. Impact: Child has only one option left. No choice as desire and reply match. Second case, Mom replies "No". Child may not like it, but now child has a choice between his desire and Mom's "No". This may help him overcome the moment of weakness. A crude and distant analogy but this is the point. We are not supposed to steal options fom the decision-maker.
Assume Mr X has married Lady Y. Mr X has a Premium job offer at a MNC but has to relocate without his family. He asks his wife for her opinion. Wife does not want him to go. She is happy with a little less and does not want separation. But she thinks he wants this job and she should not come in between his career. So, she tells her husband that she wants him to join at the MNC.
Assume Mr X's mindset is: He is not too career oriented but believes that his wife needs better amenities in life viz money, status glory. So he looks for a Premium job but he does not want it at expense of leaving his family. He loves his wife too much to deny this lucrative oportunity for the family but does not want to go and is content with a little less. His relationship means more to him than anything else but somehow hypothetically spouse is not aware of it.
Now, Lady Y tells her husband that she wants him to join the MNC. He assumes that she wants him to work away and go for glory, money etc. which is not true. In a way, both are sacrificing for love, but resultant is exactly opposite to what they want. Telling each other what they feel may be a better way. Its then a matter of choice and one must believe in other partner who has to make that choice.
Thinking more on this, the Assumption here is two fold. First, we can correctly predict what goes in other person's mind and Secondly we can premept what other person actually wants. Irony is, human mind is too fast, fragile and flickering. We dont know what we want at times and we may not even know how[correctly] we are perceived either. So, we may be thinking "going right" and be perceived as "going left". [Happens often with me :)]. I am not saying that we dont understand our loved ones, but we may not always be able to correctly preempt their thoughts and emotions. There may be many Mind Readers but i assume most commoners aren't that good.
Knowing ur loved ones' dilemma is the trick. You need to decide, whether you need to give him an option or decide it for him. Its always a dynamic thing and especially important if the relationship hinges on it.
In the novels especially, the lead characters preempt what their loved ones want. They leave their loved ones with no choice.[Esp. in some books/Movies Male leads decide course of relationships without ever considering girl's opinion] And choose a life of pain for themselves sacrificing in love. But nobody knows for sure, whether the other side is happy doing what they have been inadvertently asked to. Is the entire sacrifice at the end all in vain?
P.S. Saying exactly how you feel can have disastrous implications too. Saying exlicitely what you want or what you dont want can kill a relationship. This much heart-to-heart stuff can be shared when there is utmost trust and compassion. Personally, I may also be diplomatic at times. I feel, here is a moral high ground [sacrificing for the ones you love] which come naturally to us. Everybody would do it, but that doesnt make it right. Its ultimately our selfishness if we understand the thought carefully. Why cant we admit that X loves Y and does not want to live away. Whats wrong in admitting this ?
P.S. It all started from a discussion based on "Paths of Glory". If Ruth not agreed with George to go on the second attempt, would they have led a happier life ? What if, while catching his last breath George would have wanted, if he could reverse the time and not come on this expedition at all. What if, he would be repenting his choice? What if, he wished that Ruth should have not allowed to him? What if....
P.S No substantial experience, a weird range of thought, limited observing skills and a wandering mind may have lead to this stupid Theory. I tried to base it on rational reasons. But, reasons are based on data and I can easily be missing something obvious here. I say this, as my close friends have a very different view. But, somehow the reason I am wrong has not struck me yet.
P.S. Thanks if you have managed to read through all of the above. :) :D
